


so much more inside me now

by gingergenower



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, post 3x02, the last two are just trigger warnings- they're only referenced, the softest of boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 05:52:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14158188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingergenower/pseuds/gingergenower
Summary: Alec asks the question so softly Magnus could pretend to miss it. ‘What was your mom like?’





	so much more inside me now

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from Lin Manuel Miranda's [Dear Theodosia](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFmdCkz5vcA)

Opening up the ley lines drained Magnus more than either of them thought; kneeling next to the bathtub, Alec leans over and massages shampoo into Magnus’ scalp, sleeves rolled up. Magnus rests against the edge of the bathtub, compliant and quiet under Alec’s attention.

Alec asks the question so softly Magnus could pretend to miss it. ‘What was your mom like?’

Magnus’ eyes flick to his, questioning.

‘You don’t talk about her.’

Considering, Magnus watches Alec for a moment, then looks away again. ‘I’ve never talked about her.’

‘Right.’

Alec knows why he’d never talk about his father, but his own mom brings out some instinct in him, childlike and small. It only occurred to him Magnus has never mentioned her since he explained his stepfather’s death when Magnus admitted who his father is.

He runs his fingers to the ends of Magnus’ hair, not expecting anything more to be said.

‘She was gentle.’ Magnus’ voice is faint.

Alec hesitates, but he forces himself to carry on, listening carefully.

‘She always used to call me “my sweet”. She used to play with me, all the time. She had the wildest imagination. She never shouted at me, never hit me, even when my stepfather told her it was the only way I’d ever learn.

‘Once, she stood between me and him and told him that wasn’t what she wanted to teach me. She wanted me to learn how to love.’ Magnus flinches. ‘He hit her instead, but she still refused to move.’

Swallowing, Alec’s grateful to be listening. He has no idea what to say.

‘I don’t remember her voice, precisely, but I remember the way she would say my name.’ Magnus smiles slightly, even though it looks hurt. ‘You say it the same way.’

It’s too much- Alec stops, soapy hand resting on Magnus’ damp shoulder, thumb running up his collarbone.

‘She loved me.’ His voice shakes. ‘I remember she loved me.’

Alec suppresses his own reaction, the emotion; he’s not sure what he thinks, but he nods anyway because it’s what Magnus needs. ‘She was your mom.’

‘She knew, though. Thinking of it now, she must have realised what my eyes meant a few days before she killed herself. She couldn’t stop crying.’ Unseeing, Magnus seems lost in the memory. ‘She spent that whole time trying to convince herself to kill me, but she couldn’t.’

Alec can’t breathe. ‘Magnus…’

‘Sometimes that’s the most difficult part of it; she turned that blade on herself instead. It should have been me.’ He sees Alec’s expression, and cuts him off before he can argue. ‘My stepfather told me I was the one supposed to die.’

Alec feels like he’s been gutted. He struggles to speak. ‘Magnus, she was a _mundane_. She didn’t know what was going to happen. She might have thought you were a demon too, she might have thought you’d become Asmodeus no matter what she did. She might have thought she’d lose you no matter what she did to save you.’

Magnus looks at him, and Alec cups his jaw to keep his gaze, imploring him to understand.

‘If she had known she had brought you into this world, she would have known there was _nothing_ to be ashamed of, nothing to fear. She wanted you to learn to love and you _did_ \- and she couldn’t kill you because she loved you, because she still saw all that good in you, because she couldn’t live in a world without you but she wasn’t sure what the world would look like with you in it.’

‘Alec-’

‘ _I_ know what that world looks like,’ Alec says, ignoring his own tears, touching away Magnus’. ‘It’s perfect.’

Trying to hold back his grief, Magnus closes his eyes, head bent- Alec takes one of Magnus’ hands, kissing his fingertips, his magic.

‘This is Asmodeus.’ Then, he folds both of their hands over Magnus’ heart. ‘This is her.’

Sudden, water sloshing over the edge of the tub, Magnus clumsily pulls Alec into an embrace, clinging to him. Alec kisses Magnus’ forehead as he cries, waiting, trying to keep his own breathing even to give Magnus something to steady himself against.

There’s so much Alec doesn’t know. There’s so much Alec will never know; one mortal incapable of knowing everything in a life that expands so much further than his. He won’t be able to help with everything.

Eventually, Magnus pulls back, eyes wet, but he smiles a little helplessly at Alec’s soapy, soaked shirt. ‘Sorry.’

‘It’s fine,’ Alec murmurs, thumb touching his cheek. ‘You need sleep. I’m sorry, just another five minutes…’

Cupping water in his hands, Alec rinses the lather out of Magnus’ hair, more thorough than he needs to be. Magnus loosens in his fingers, exhaling slowly, half asleep when Alec helps him out of the tub, drying off and change.

They get into bed together, and Magnus drifts off almost immediately, head on Alec’s chest. Alec’s awake a while longer, stroking his hair, thinking.

She taught him how to love, and Alec owes her more than he’ll ever be able to repay. He makes a promise, not sure if she’ll know; he’ll love her son, with everything he has, for the rest of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> well I made myself cry what a moron


End file.
